The pretentiously named Calxie awards.

Having come away from the BRITs and the Grammys with a sense of… well, expectations fulfilled now I think about it due to the woeful outcome, but the point is these gongs never make me feel justice is done. Occasionally they come up with a few surprises. This year Laura Marling surprisingly won the Best British Female award at the BRITs and indie emotional powerhouses Arcade Fire swept up the Best Album award at the Grammys. Still, Bruno Mars with that slushfest ‘Just The Way You Are’ won something? I don’t trust that slippery man-child. He strikes me as the sort to frequently use the phrase “No, sorry babe I can’t find your panties anywhere”. Because they’re definitely not in the bottom of the bedside cabinet under the tissues are they Bruno? And for the winner of the Brit for Best International Breakthrough we have a genetic cross-breed between a GAP Kids mannequin and a Fisher Price karaoke machine: Justin Bieber, aside from apparently causing prepubescent girls to begin menstruating at least 2 years earlier than they should, is probably the biggest child pop star since Little Jimmy Osmond, the main difference being that you can’t use Bieber’s teeth as an enamel garage door. (I know, I went for a teeth joke. It was probably a low blow but there it is.) In other words, I detest them both. So there, I’m disheartened. Why don’t I have my own awards show? I am an informed opinion according to my friend Henry and his dad*! So here I have sown the first seeds of what will soon be the yardstick against which all other musical accolades will be measured. To make this prize scheme a bit less snooze-worthy than it ought to be, the categories are going to be different from your usual “Best album”, “Best artist” stuff. They’re going to be slightly weird and they’re going to encompass my entire record collection because I just haven’t heard enough albums from these past 12 months to be of note-worthy knowledge. So, I have decided that each week – starting when I can actually get off my backside and write the damn things – I will post a different award with five nominations and subsequently announce the winner which no one really cares about but me except for the small peanut-sized nugget that is my self esteem. But yes, hope you enjoy them.
Loads of love and a million kisses from Joe xxxx

*Don’t worry I don’t really consider myself reputable because my ego is not sufficiently blimp-esque. Add two parts irony and one part humility.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by starkravinglefty on February 16, 2011 at 12:02 am

    Excited Jen is excited about this.

    Reply

  2. Posted by 1764 on February 18, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    ooooh this is exciting!

    Reply

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